Clyde Motel

How would you shorten or revise this thesis statement on Bonnie and Clyde?

I'm writing a research paper on Bonnie and Clyde and we have to have an argument, so I decided to write about how Bonnie was pulled into the mess and never committed a crime so harsh as to be killed for it and this is my rough thesis statement. In the case of Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow there is much controversy and questions related to the killing of Bonnie who is believed to only have commited the crime of falling in love with a criminal. How would you shorten or revise this? Thank you.

Public Comments

1. In the case of "Bonnie and Clyde" there is much controversy related to the killing of Bonnie who's only crime was falling in love with a criminal.
2. Bonnie Parker was not responsible for the crimes she was accused of, yet was guilty by association.
3. First of all, I'd like to say that this sounds like a very interesting paper with a lot of potential! Now on to the thesis... For starters, you want to be careful and specific with your word choice; the phrase, "there is much controversy and questions" is vague and leaves the reader wondering exactly what you mean by that. So I would just get rid of those words. Instead, say directly what the controversy and the questions are. So for example, you could say something like, "Bonnie and Clyde, who are controversial because of the violent crimes they committed..." or something like that. Of course, it seems you're saying that Bonnie didn't commit those acts, but the idea is to directly point out the controversy. Also, you need to specify that the killing of Bonnie was wrong. Just adding 'wrongly killed' would really help get your point across. And finally, you shouldn't qualify your own points with words like 'believed.' Just say she did, not that you believed she did. The reader already knows that you believe what you are writing and that your words are limited by the scope of you own knowledge. Also, saying that there's a lot of controversy undermines your point again. There is no controversy, Bonnie WAS wrongfully killed, or so your paper will argue. So, If I were to rewrite your rough thesis statement in a simple way, I might write, "Although Clyde Barrow was a heinous criminal guilty of capital offenses, his lover, Bonnie Parker, did not commit any serious crimes and should not have been killed for merely loving a murderer." Of course, using your creativity and personality, I'm sure you could write a thesis that fits YOUR paper better, but hopefully, my suggestion is a good example of direct and clear language essential to a good thesis statement.